


what the hell would i be without you

by puddingandpie



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Even Bech Næsheim, Fix-It, Gen, Mentions of Suicide Attempt, Reconciliation, basically even is going to cut off his friends but they are like no thank u buddy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2018-12-18 05:06:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11867364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puddingandpie/pseuds/puddingandpie
Summary: This was the fourth time Even had been in hospital. The last three times, he had had his friends by his bedside, weaving tales of glory and fortune and intrigue and despair all to make him smile. Now, he didn’t have the same luxury.***A what-if, if the Balloon Squad didn't let Even disappear from their lives quite so easily.





	what the hell would i be without you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [argentae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/argentae/gifts).



> for zilver and the kardemommefam
> 
> the best cheerleaders a girl could ask for
> 
> edit: as of feb 2018 this has been edited so its a bit better <3

The first time Even was hospitalised, he was six years old. One broken arm in a skateboarding accident. Mikael was the one who had goaded him into getting on the damn thing in the first place, showing off how he could do a perfect olly and Even couldn’t. That was all it took in those days for him to make a bad decision. If Mikael could do it, so could he. 

 

The second time, it was for his tonsils out. The three of them, that being Mikael, Elias and Yousef, all came straight from school to the hospital to entertain him with stories of which girl tried unsuccessfully to ask Mikael to go to the school dance. Six girls had tried, six girls had failed. He had grinned at them, tried his best to communicate with them through pen and paper, and shared the ice-cream and jelly that he had gotten to eat. 

 

The third time, food poisoning. He wasn’t alone this time too. Adam and him were side by side in the ward, both suffering from the same thing. There was an important lesson to be learnt from this. Do not, under any circumstances, mix Mikael, an oven, pasta and drugs. Even and Adam were the only two who were brave enough to try Mikael's concoction, mostly because they were just as high, and subsequently, they were the only two who were sitting in hospital beds. 

 

This was the fourth time Even had been in hospital. The last three times, he had had his friends by his bedside, weaving tales of glory and fortune and intrigue and despair all to make him smile. Now, he doesn’t have the same luxury. 

 

Right now, he's lying in a hospital bed, eyes shut, with only the constant beeping of a heart rate monitor to keep him company. His mum had been in and out of his room intermittently, but every time she tried to walk in, she broke down and left almost immediately after. His dad hadn’t even been in here once, a single aborted attempt ending with him sobbing alone in his car in the half abandoned top story of the car park. It was better this way. He didn’t want them to see him like this anyway. 

 

It was bad enough when they found him crumpled on the bathroom floor, an empty bottle of his dad’s prescription sleeping pills in his hand. The only reason why his dad had them in the first place was because he was changing shifts, from the day shift to the night shift, and it was always hard to adjust.

 

Friday nights was usually crime night with Even and his dad. They would get takeaway from some greasy hole in the wall, sit on the couch with Lea whining between them, and watch some shitty murder mystery where somehow the murder was committed and solved in just under forty-five minutes. 

 

“Just remember Ev, means, motive and opportunity.” He would say, just as the detective on screen was having his aha moment. “Thats what every crime comes down to.” What Even had done, that was a crime. The drugs were his means.

 

Opportunity was easy too. His mum was a stage manager at a play downtown and so she worked late hours. His dad was a paramedic, on call that week, and so he was out too. It was just Even, home alone, trapped in his own house, trapped in his own head. 

 

That just left motive. The first two boxes were easily ticked, but the last was something that Even didn’t want to think about. The words that Mikael had hurled at him seemed to be branded on his heart now, for nothing would ever hurt him more than they did. There was a phantom pain in his back from the hours he had spent hunched over a book written thousands of years ago, searching for a way to tell his best friend that there was a way that he could be cured from this, and that they could go back to being best friends. And he could still feel the way that Mikael’s lips felt on his, and the way his hands felt as he shoved him away. 

 

He had ruined the only good thing in his life, ruined the five friendships that he thought could carry him through the rest of his life. The daydreams he had once had, of how their bus would look in third year and the gap year they would take afterwards and even of being groomsmen at each others weddings, they were all gone now. All because of him. 

 

He heard the door of his hospital room open, but still he didn’t open his eyes. His eyelids felt like they were being weighed down by lead weights, kilos upon kilos keeping his eyes shut. There was a hand on his shoulder, gently shaking him awake. It took all his energy to open his eyes, to stare up into the face of a doctor, sympathy written all over her face. 

 

“Hi Mr Bech Næsheim, I’m Dr Ødegård. I’m a psychiatrist, and I work mostly with patients who suffer from bipolar disorder.”

 

***

 

It was odd, praying again. He hadn’t done it in so long, not since he had started numbing himself with alcohol instead. Now, the only thing that could bring Elias any sort of comfort was the familiar ritual of prayer, something to lose himself in. 

 

He hadn’t been to school in three days. He had tried, the day after it happened, but the whispers in the corridors were too much. He could just feel the way they looked at him, like staring at him would suddenly answer the questions that were running through their heads. He had left the revue group too. All of the boys had. Elias couldn’t bring himself to look at the words that Even had written.

 

And as he prayed, as he prayed and prayed and prayed, the only thing on his mind was Even, what happened to him, and what he could do to fix it. 

 

He could feel Sana’s presence outside his door. She was peering through the small gap where his door wasn’t quite shut, breathing in and out as softly as she could as so not to let him know that she was here. He knew anyway, his big brother senses pinging like crazy. 

 

She had been crying almost as much as he had. Every time they saw each other now it was with puffy eyes and shaking hands, not saying anything but still hearing in their silent communication that _yes, I’m here for you if you need, you aren’t alone in this._ And every time he looked at her, he was transported back to that night that he found out about what Even had done, and where she just held him as he cried, grieved for a friend that might not make it through the night. 

 

He finished his prayer with her there, just watching him go through the motions. When he looked up at her, making eye contact through the thin gap in the door, her face softened into a smile. He smiled back at her, and followed her down the corridor and into the backyard.

 

When he got there, he stopped in the doorway, his bones freezing up and not letting him take another step. Sana was standing behind him silently, her hands folded across her chest so that he didn't try to back out of this. 

 

Elias hadn’t spoken to his best friends in three days. He didn’t know if they had even spoken to each other. They were all sitting around the swing set in silence, each of them staring off into space, trying not to think about the elephant in the room. 

 

“Halla gutter,” he said halfheartedly, walking out to join them. He received a bunch of weak greetings back, a few waves and the hint of a smile. The silence that settled over them was awkward at best, painful at worst, but Elias didn't know how to break it. This was the first time since he had met his best friends that there had ever been a silence like this, and lack of experience meant a lack of protocol.

 

Maybe once it would have been Even that broke this silence, a joke and a kind word and it would have been all over. Maybe once, but not now. 

 

Mutta spoke first. “I called Sonja.”

 

Yousef scoffs. “What would Sonja know? Their relationship was on the rocks, and all Even was able to talk about recently was how he was going to break up with her.”

 

Elias looks over at Mikael, but he couldn’t meet his eye. 

 

“Yeah well, Even’s parents didn’t know that. Apparently they rung her and she's been with him at the hospital for the past couple days.”

 

“And?” Adam pushes, “What's going on?”

 

“Bipolar disorder.” Mutta sighs heavily. “Even has bipolar disorder.”

 

Elias goes straight for his phone. “Bipolar disorder,” he read aloud, “is a mental disorder that causes periods of depression and periods of elevated mood. The elevated mood is significant and is known as mania or hypomania, depending on its severity. During mania, an individual behaves or feels abnormally energetic, happy, or irritable. Individuals often make poorly thought out decisions with little regard to the consequences. The need for sleep is usually reduced during manic phases. During periods of depression, there may be crying, a negative outlook on life, and poor eye contact with others."

 

There's even more silence after that, the coarse and sterile words of the Wikipedia article slowly washing over them and carving themselves into their bones, now a reminder of what their friend has been going through without them. 

 

“Poorly thought out decisions. So all the stuff he posted on the revue wall?” Mikael asked, his voice shaking.

 

“All part of the episode apparently.” 

 

“Shit.”

 

“According to Sonja they thought it was depression, and he's been on antidepressants for like six months now, but this was a proper episode thing, so now they know he's bipolar.”

 

Yousef stood up from the swing that he was sitting on, his hands scrunched into fists and his eyes screwed shut. “We have been fucking shit friends.” Elias looked up at him, startled by his language. He was visibly shaking, and pacing around in front of them. That was when you knew that something was seriously wrong with Yousef, when he couldn't stop moving or swearing. 

 

“We have been fucking shit friends. He’s been on fucking medication for the last six months for what doctors thought was clinical depression. Depression. Our best fucking friend has been suffering silently for the past six months, and we didn’t notice until it was too fucking late.” Yousef took a deep breath, unfurling his hands from where they had been scrunched up into fists. “We can’t let him do this alone too.”

 

They were silent after that. Elias knew that Yousef was right too. No matter what he did, Even was still their best friend. And he knew Even. He was never one to open up, always downplaying his issues with a joke and the offer of a blunt. When his mum had her cancer scare a few years back, it had been six weeks since she was given the all clear before Even told them about it, and even then it was dismissive, played off with an _it’s fine now_ and a _don’t worry about it._

 

There was no way that Even was going to come to them for help. That just meant that they would have to go to him. 

 

Adam was the one to break the silence. “But I still don't understand. On the revue wall right, why was he so fixated on gayness and curing being gay?” Elias only had his eyes on Mikael for half a second, a fleeting glance to see what his response was going to be, but it was enough for the rest of the boys to notice. Mikael couldn't bring himself to meet any of their eyes.

 

“Miks?” Mutta asked, his brow furrowed in concern. 

 

"Even kissed me," he mutters under his breath, just loud enough that the rest of the boys manage to catch it.

 

"He did what?" Yousef says, eyes widening in a mix of shock and fear. Mikael looks up at Elias, his eyes pleading for him to tell the story. 

 

"He kissed Mikael, Mikael pushed him off, I walked in and Even bolted," Elias supplies.  There's not enough confidence in the world for Mikael to be looking at them while he says the next part, so he looks down at his shoes again, searching for something in the grass that could distract him and lift the anxiety out of his chest.

 

"That's not–" Mikael begins, but stops himself to gather his thoughts. "I said some horrible things too."

 

"We both did," Elias says, trying to cut in, but Mikael stops him with a wave of his hand. 

 

"I don't even know why I said it all," Mikael says, not being able to stop the wry laugh. "Actually, maybe I do. Maybe it's because I found the same things in the Quran saying the same things about being gay, and it made me dead scared about owning up to it and being myself."

 

They all go dead quiet at Mikael's quiet admission, which makes the anxiety in his stomach well up even more. And this was why he was so scared of telling them, the fear that this would be the one thing that they couldn't look past and that would end their friendship. "Can someone please say something," he says frantically, the tears starting to blur his eyes. 

 

But those words are all it takes for them to move, and for the first time in his life Mikael finds himself at the centre of a group hug, all four of them surrounding him and whispering to him affirmations of love and support, that  _they're here for him_ and  _did you really think we wouldn't accept you for who you are?_

 

The hug doesn't really end after that. They all sort of collapse in a pile, which is a start on their road back to normal. If normal's even a thing. 

 

“It’s okay Miks.” Adam says, running his fingers through his hair gently. The action is soothing, and Mikael can feel the way that something in his chest just seems to get lighter. “It’s okay.”

 

“I mean, I guess I’m sorry for all the pushing I did to try to get you to hook up with Anita,” Mutta says offhandedly, and Mikael laughs, the tears blurring his eyes.

 

“Thanks for being so… you know… cool about it."

 

“Don't be silly, we’re your best friends. We're with you for better or for worse,” Yousef supplied, which sets them all off for a bit. 

 

"For richer, for poorer."

 

"To love and to cherish."

 

"Through sickness and in health," Elias adds, and it's that reminder that hollows the group again, because one of them is sick, lying in hospital right now, and none of them are doing anything about it.

 

“So what are we going to do about Even?” Adam asks.

 

“We have to go and see him,” Mikael replies sadly. “I know Even.  _We_ know Even. He's the most fucking dramatic person we've ever met. He’s probably lying there thinking that this bipolar thing is a dealbreaker, and that he should cut his losses and cut us off for good." 

 

"We can’t let that happen," Elias says resolutely, surprised by the determination in his voice. He's even more surprised that he means it entirely.

 

***

 

Since the moment she arrived, Sonja hadn’t left from her position by his bed. He knew that she was here because of the way she held his hand, tight and unflinching. It should have felt grounding, but instead it felt like he couldn’t be further away from her. He didn’t have any energy to do anything, not even to open his eyes or to squeeze back.

 

He couldn’t get that doctor’s voice out of his head. Dr Ødegård. He had been in here for a few days now, even though they all seemed to blur into one, and each day she had come into his room and explained something new about his bipolar disorder. 

 

It made him feel sick. 

 

Having this name for what happened in his head, the way he felt sometimes, it solidified to him the fact that he was sick. There was no way to escape it this time. It wasn’t like last time, where he could stop taking the anti-depressants when he felt happy and he would feel a little bit more regular, a little bit more like he was just like his friends and there wasn't anything wrong with him.

 

He tried to sleep as much as he could. When he was asleep he didn’t have to deal with the world around him, it all just vanished into oblivion. 

 

The next time he woke up, Sonja’s hand wasn’t clutching his. He expected that. She wasn’t going to be coming back. He could hear quiet whispers of people in the room around him. There were too many voices to be his doctor or his parents, because they never visited or stayed for very long. 

 

He could feel tears well up behind his eyelids when he realised exactly who was sitting in his hospital room. 

 

“Are you sure we should be here? He’s sleeping?” 

 

“We can’t leave now. Let’s just wait for him to wake up."

 

"That could be in like ten years."

 

"He's not in a fucking coma Adam." A sound of a slap echoes around the room.

 

Sitting around him were the five people he thought that he had lost forever, Elias, Yousef, Adam, Mutta and Mikael. He could hear them muttering, concern filling their voices. He wanted to cry. Why were they here? He fucked up. Surely they should be somewhere resenting him, feeling glad that he wasn’t in their lives to burden them anymore. 

 

He could feel his heart rate rising, the heart monitor beeping slightly faster. The muttering stopped all at once, and Even knew that the game was up. Given away by a fucking heart monitor. 

 

It took all the energy that he had to open his eyes, and even more to push himself up into a sitting position. He was just sitting there, the five of them looking anxiously between themselves, willing someone else to start the conversation. 

 

Yousef was clutching multicoloured balloons in his hand, holding on to the strings like they were a lifeline. Even watches them bounce on the ceiling, just watching them bop faster and faster. He couldn’t bring himself to look at any of them in the eyes. 

 

“So, uh, how are you doing?” Mutta asks hesitantly. Adam immediately punches him in the arm, which could be considered retaliation for the previous exercise of violence. 

 

“Dude,” he hissed, “You can't just ask him how he's doing.”

 

“And why not? It’s a valid question,” Mutta shoots back incredulously. 

 

It was so familiar, the bickering and the play fighting, that Even had to fight back a grin. “It’s okay," he interrupts. "I’m doing better now.”

 

“We uh… We talked to Sonja. Well, Mutta did anyway. She kind of told us what was up with you, I hope thats okay uh…” Elias trails off, looking at the floor.

 

Even feels his stomach drop, the smile. “So you know then,” he says, his voice completely monotone. 

 

“Well, no, we kind of don’t.” Yousef interjects, his voice sharp. “Like we know that you have bipolar right, but we know shit about how that affects you. We can do all the reading we want and I guess thats a good thing, but you’re our friend Even. I’d much rather know about what we can do to help.”

 

This is his opening, and he takes it. Even though one part of his brain is telling him that having these boys will know will just scare them away, that they don't want to have a burden like this bringing down their life, the other part of him is just so  _tired._ He's tired of having to bottle it up, to hide away all of the immense feelings that he feels every single second of his life. And so it just comes pouring out of him, the whole explanation.

 

They all start crying when he gets to his suicide attempt, but they move closer then too, seeking comfort in each other. Maybe that was something that they all should have done long ago. 

 

Once it's over, there's a weird feeling in his chest. It takes a moment to identify it, but the cool, light feeling of relief isn't easily mixed up with any of the other ones he's been feeling over the past couple of days. 

 

“If it ever gets this bad again, you have to tell us Ev. I know you don’t think it but you are just as much a part of this friend group as the rest of us are. You _are_ our best friend. Losing you, that would ruin us okay? Who else is going to force us to star in stupid homemade movies or cooks us food when we want to go to McDonalds or who makes us the fucking best scrambled eggs when we are hungover.” Adam says, almost openly sobbing now, and it took seeing the tears on his face for Even to realise that he was crying too. “We’re not losing you again Even.”

 

“So,” he stutters out, his voice quiet. “You’re staying?” 

 

And to his surprise, Mikael is the first one to reply. “Yes.” The word was so definitive, so sure, that Even suddenly felt like his world had shifted off balance.

 

He watches as Mikael takes a deep breath, steel himself for what he was about to say. “I’m so so sorry Ev. I know I can’t take back what I said but uh… I didn’t mean it. Um… well… I’m… I’m gay, yeah I’m gay. And I'd just been saying that to myself for so long I didn't know how else to react." 

 

It's clear from his face that that's the first time that Mikael has ever said that out loud. Even feels like he's frozen, unable to move to react to what Mikael was telling him. Mikael takes this as a sign to keep talking. "I’m really sorry Ev. I didn’t mean it, I…”

 

Before he knew it, Even had reached over and pulled Mikael into the tightest hug that he could. It was uncomfortable, the IV drip was poking into his arm awkwardly and his back hurt, but it was the most wonderful thing he had ever felt in his life. He could feel the way that Mikael just melted into it, the tension leaving his body as he wrapped his hands around Even. 

 

His stupid friends took that as a sign that they could join in, and suddenly they were all wrapped around Even. As awkward as the positioning was, it could be the best thing that Even had ever felt, because right there at the centre of it was the feeling that he wasn't alone, that he would have these boys as his friends for the rest of his life. 

 

Even shuts his eyes, rests his head on Mikael's shoulder and breathes in, taking it as a reminder that he's still alive. In. Out. In. Out.

 

**Author's Note:**

> yeah well that was something. i havent written things in a very long time so please be gentle. 
> 
> i thrive off kudos and comments so lmk what u all think cheers and regards


End file.
